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BE ENLIGHTENED

FINDING GRACE | IN PLACE OF FEAR | DYING TO BE ALIVE | 8 MINUTES TO INSIGHT |

For much of my life I feel fortunate that I have had teachers along the way who have kept me in check with the things in my life that are good and blessed and for which a deep gratitude should be bestowed upon them by my humble spirit, no matter my state of mind. I haven’t always known how to say grace, there was a period of my life when I felt so muddied that I wasn’t sure I had anything to be grateful for, at least not anything I was willing to acknowledge.

What I have come to learn is the power in gratitude. It is in this state of being when people are transformed and circumstances are given the light needed in order to be life changing. Being grateful in spite of the hardship and pain can be humbling and deeply moving. It is when we can wipe the mud from our eyes and see the beauty that life beholds all around us that we start to rise out of our ashes and transform ourselves into a spirit of God likeness and in that likeness we are able to move people and inspire change, mostly change within ourselves.

It is easy to be grateful for the large things, you know what I mean – grateful that the sun has risen again. Grateful for a roof over our heads, and food in our tummy. Grateful for the loved ones in our lives and the relationships that sustain us. It is not that these things aren’t worth being grateful for, indeed they are and they can and will be life changing as well. But how many of us can say grace, give gratitude for the small things, the hard things? Can you be in that state of grace when you are at your lowest point in life, unable to get off the floor that you find yourself cradling in the middle of the night, sobbing? Can you find that grace when you feel you have had blow after blow and you feel bloodied, bullied, and have no energy left to carry on? Does grace find you when you aren’t looking? When you are preoccupied by the bills, the debt mounting and the unforeseen circumstances that hinder your life can you find even the simplest shaft of light that you can focus on and find your strength again?

Every day we each go through our individual life, walking our individual step by step on our own personal path. We do the chores and tasks that bind us to human existence, some days it is all we do. We exist in our bubble, careful not to merge with another’s bubble. Floating from place to place, doing what we have to do to get through the day to maintain our course. We live in calculated moments most of the time. Once in awhile, for some it is more often than others, we view something outside ourselves that moves us into that state of grace and for a moment we lose the protective bubble and feel a connection to God, or universal energy that brings to us a feeling of contentment and deep gratitude. Does it last? Can you merge into the grace and allow it to permeate your spirit and replace the bubble in such a way that you are forever changed? What if you could do that at will, and even in those moments of despair?

I believe we are all capable of living outside our bubble. For some that is much too frightening of a place to be. It would mean trusting ourselves enough to know that even in those darkest moments of our life it is our grace and our gratitude for life that will carry us onward and move us into a better place of being. Life is full of graceful and ungraceful moments. Our happiness does not lie in what moments we choose to acknowledge but rather which moments we live within gratitude and say grace even though our hearts may be shattered. It is in this space our higher power will enfold us in such a way that we are able to merge into life and participate in its intrinsic life force. This is when life changes at the core and becoming whole means becoming everything around us.

On that floor in the midst of the sobs when you are cradling what little you feel you have around you, let the protective layer of your bubble soften enough to let something through. Wipe the mud and look for it for as long as it takes until you find something, even if it is the smallest and tiniest grain of good and treasure it with everything you have. Grace takes practice, and perseverance. It also takes acknowledgement.

Life will challenge even those who are the best at being graceful. Every day our journey will envelop both polarities of good and bad. Balance is essential, but whenever possible, the tipping point should always be toward grace. In this season I have seen many people whose tipping point was toward despair and rejection. I have had clients whose spirit has been defeated, their joy has been dampened. What I want to say to them is to step outside of yourself for a moment and as an observer, find that good wherever it is and place it in front of yourself, then step back into your life and find yourself stumbling across its threshold. It’s always there, it will always be somewhere within your grasp and if you don’t have the courage, or the strength to find it yourself, find someone who will help you to see it. There is nothing in this world we can’t do ourselves but there is also nothing in this world we have to do alone.

Dying To Be Alive

By Dakota Walker

This is the first installment of a current work in progress entitled
"The Path of Self"

I remember the first time I died. I was given the chance to take with me a few material objects and have a few people at my side in the time of my death. Making my list was relatively easy. As the meditation went further Sister Mary told us “Okay, now, cross someone off your list – they can not be there at the time of your death.” What? Well, okay, I’ll cross off the person who had been in my life the least amount of time. Four people left now, that’s a good list. “Now cross off another” she prompted. It was getting tougher until it came down to crossing every name off the list but one. Only one person would be allowed at my bedside in the time of my death.

Granted this was an exercise during my training to be a Hospice volunteer and not my actual death but the exercise brought an awareness that I didn’t have before – the relationships to people in my life and how important they truly are. Crossing off my Dad’s name, my sister, my girlfriend was harder than I had admitted at the time. My mom was the one person I could not exclude. At the time of that exercise I wasn’t aware how much I needed her, or how the moment of crossing over from this life to the next wanted to be done with the connection to the one person who brought me into this world.

When I met Jo she was a 68 year old woman, worn from all the years she had worked caring for sick, injured people as a nurse. She traveled some but not much and had decided when she retired she would travel the vast, unseen world and do the things she had always dreamt. I met her in a nursing home that smelled of old urine and stale cafeteria food. She was bed bound, unable to walk, or even able to bath herself. Shortly after her retirement she developed a rare disease that was incurable, and would slowly kill her. The only thing she had was time, and a few birds that would visit her window which overlooked the parking lot of an industrial park. I visited her a few times a week for about 5 months. I filled the pockets of my jacket with birdseed and listened to her giggle as I would pry open the window of her room and line the ledge with seed so she could attract more feathered friends to watch. They looked the same to me, but Jo knew which birds were the bullies, and which ones were more timid, a few she had named. Sometimes we’d watch tv, sometimes I’d give her a massage, but a lot of times we talked about life and what I learned from Jo is don't wait to start being alive. Live now, live while you can, she would say with a look in her eye that spoke of regret.

The world we live is fast paced, full of stimuli, chaos, traffic, to do lists, people all around us, media flashing in our faces, idle chit chat, the constant pressure of what needs to be done and the ever so fast ticking away canary clock that we just can’t seem to beat. We race it every day, frantically trying to shove everything into the tiny time frames that we have allotted for each task. Sometimes one spills into the next and into the next until we are buried in our own time bomb just waiting to implode. We become restless, agitated, and constantly strained and drained. We beat ourselves up if we do not accomplish all the tasks we have piled upon ourselves even when our lists are unrealistic and yet when someone asks us to do more we most often say yes because we are so afraid to say no to someone else’s needs and desires. We have learned to multi-task to the point that if we aren’t doing 4 things at once, we feel we aren’t doing enough. Right now as I type this I have a laptop, an iPod, a cell phone, all within reach. I am logged on so that I am alerted as soon as an email hits my inbox, and people can IM me whenever they feel. I have one browser set to the news, another to my email, and still yet another is launched with a calendar of upcoming events. Essentially I can be instant messaging one person while talking on the phone to another, and flip to another window to write an email, all while I have music playing in the background and if that isn’t enough … someone else might send me a text message on my phone!

Stop. Turn it all off.

What would your home sound like if you turned off the electricity? Remember when you were a child and the lights went out during a storm? What did you do? You lit candles and talked to each other. You marveled at how dark and quiet it was. You listened. You could hear your neighbors moving around. You could hear your thoughts. You played games with a flashlight. It was okay to not be on the phone or the computer or the tv or the radio because you had an excuse, the electricity was out. Secretly, deep down we all loved it when the lights went out – it was exciting, and peaceful.

I want you to pretend for a moment. Pretend there is a ferocious storm outside and you’ve just lost all the power to everything you own. All you have is silence, and one candle. Take a deep breath, and take off your watch. Don’t take notice of the time and just spend a few minutes in this new found silence day dreaming about what you really want to do. Go ahead, do it … I’ll wait.

What did you come up with? Did you take a long over due vacation in your head? Maybe spend some time discovering new land in a foreign country? Did you sleep in on a weekday or spend an afternoon just reading while still in your pajamas? Maybe you spent some time volunteering for an organization or giving back to your community. Maybe you got dirty in your herb and flower garden or painted on that dusty canvas that’s been sitting in your closet. Of those activities which ones would you feel guilty if you allowed yourself to do them, when the lights were on?

We are made up of more than the fancy titles that follow or precede our names. We are more than the job we go to every day, and certainly more than the superficial day to day combat that we battle continually – the traffic, the congestion of our society, the cell phones that are chained to our sides. We have dreams, we have great depth, we have unfurled passion, we have incredible energy that sometimes lurks in the recesses of our over amplified minds, shoved back to the farthest corner of our eager hearts and buried beneath all the “stuff” from paragraph 4. It remains trapped until one of two things happens …. We die, or we hit a breaking point in our life when we stop and say “enough is enough, life is meant to be more than this” and we grab a shovel and start digging for the real gold that lies within.

Some people, like Jo, know the real gold is there but choose to wait to start digging when the tasks are done and there is “more time”. But sometimes things happen, life happens, as it did with Jo and when the time came for her to dig it was too late.

My visits with Jo were at a time in my own life when I had to make a life changing decision. I had an opportunity to move across the country to pursue a dream within my chosen field of work. It meant giving up everything I had come to know and the comforts of my entrenched life in Arizona to travel to a place I knew very little about and knew no one essentially. I flew to South Carolina for an interview and see if this change would be a good fit. Before I left, I visited Jo to let her know I wasn’t going to see her that week and told her about my opportunity, discussing some of my fears about making such a huge move. I remember her saying to me, “If it feels right in your heart, don’t let fear be what stops you.” I returned from my trip and had decided to take the unforeseen plunge into the unknown and fearlessly make the move 3,000 miles away. Two days after my return I had two things on my agenda – have a hitch installed on my truck for the move, and go see Jo to tell her my news. While sitting in the UHaul store waiting for them to finish installing the hitch that would carry my life across the USA, I received a phone call from my Hospice coordinator, Jo had died while I was gone. In a strange way it gave me peace in my decision to pursue my dream; she would have done so if she had it to do over. But there are no do overs, and that is what she taught me more than anything. She might not have heard the good news from me but I hoped a little birdie might have told her.

At what point in our life do we start living? Sure, we take in a breath every second, we maintain life at a sustainable level, we do things to prolong our life even. What does it mean to you personally to be alive? Are you content with how things are? Are you satisfied at the end of the day that you achieved a step closer to your life dreams? Do you feel your days are complete, fulfilled, full of gratitude and passion? Because you know, you are never going to get that day back – it’s gone. Once it’s over, it’s over – remember, because I'm going to repeat it again : no do overs according to Jo. How many days have you already wasted? Since being back in the mainstream business world I have seen my own life make a screeching halt. Like most of our sleepy society I am awakened to the buzzing of a despised alarm clock in which I dutifully get up and follow primarily the same routine each morning – make coffee that always tastes too weak, shower, dress, check email, walk the dog, gather my things, and head off to the office. I work 8 hours a day, fight the traffic to come home, fix myself dinner which is often fast and unhealthy, watch the evening news about what’s wrong in our world, work on chores that never seem to end, or run errands that are also endless, read bits and pieces from a book I keep promising to finish, fall asleep reading the book so I’ll go to bed only to not be able to sleep because of the million thoughts that run through my head. The next day I start the same ground hog process all over again. Sprinkle into that schedule throughout the week all the necessary things that have to be done, laundry, pay bills, grocery shop, clean the house you seem to never have enough time in, keep appointments - even the ones you aren’t sure why you made to begin with, make more appointments because that’s what we do – fill our schedule, ya di da you know how the list goes …

My move to Arizona was an impulsive attempt one day to find a connection to my life and to stop the rat race I thought I thrived upon. At that time I lived in Ohio and was, again, sitting on the couch watching the evening news after a long day at work. It was January 27^th, 1993, and was brutally cold outside, 7 degrees, ugly cloudy dull day that went through your bones even in my heated apartment. The weather man came on and predicted another weeks worth of misery for us, however, 2500 miles away in Phoenix, Arizona it was 80’ and sunny! As quickly as he gave the forecast, I impulsively decided I was moving to the warmest place in the US. So on my couch at 914 4^th Avenue, Columbus Ohio I had decided that I had had enough. I called my brother before the news even ended.

“Kevin, what are you doing this weekend?” (It was a Monday when I called him) “Nothing” he answered. We all did nothing this time of year, it was too cold to do anything else! “Help me move.” I demanded him. “Move? Where?” I could tell he was dreading the idea of possibly having to help me move in these frigid temperatures. “To Arizona” I answered. There was a long, “did he hang up on me?” kind of silence before he finally asked if I was kidding.

I had never been to Arizona. I had $423 in my savings account. I had no job lined up, I had no idea what to expect – except 80 degrees and sunshine! I had an uncle who lived in Arizona, I hadn’t seen him in over 15 years but surely he would let me stay with him for a month until I found a job. I called him immediately, “Stan, this is Dakota.” “Who?” he asked.

I spent the next few days throwing away, storing away, giving away or packing it up. Whatever fit in my mini-van including my dog, and Kevin, went with me. On February 3^rd, we crossed the state line and entered into a place I now call home, and did call home for 14 years following that cold January day.

Some thought I was crazy. My whole family thought I would turn around and come home after a few months. My friends thought I had lost my mind. No one believed I would possibly make it with so little money and no job. All the typical security things we have in place before we make such a move weren’t there and the predictions were that without them, I inevitably would fail. The struggles in the beginning were tough, but not impossible. I worked part time as a coffee barista for Coffee Plantation in Tempe while I got my massage business going. Along with an income it also gave me a chance to meet some new friends. In a matter of a few months I had already started to establish a life complete with friends, activities, a home, and job. I learned that it wasn’t crazy in any sense, it was the best decision I had ever made. It was an impulsive decision that probably saved my life.

I think about the “what if’s” from time to time. What if I had listened to everyone who thought I was crazy or would fail? What if I hadn’t been so impulsive? What if I had allowed my own fears to keep me from jumping into the unknown? What if I had just thought “someday I’d like to move there” without ever really doing it? What if I hadn’t been where I was in that moment that allowed me to be open to such a drastic change? What if I had only gotten as far as Kansas?

There is a time in our lives, and I believe we all reach this point sooner or later, where we step outside of the box labeled “Fears, Procrastinations, and Everyone Else’s Opinions” and we make a decision based solely on what our own beating heart desires. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it usually becomes an undeniable mark in time where everything turns around and life becomes not only good, but amazing. We take back our power when we make those types of decisions, we are powerful beyond measure when we defy all the odds and make it happen for ourselves. We are meant to break barriers and explore uncharted lands. It is human nature to be wildly curious, and fearlessly adventurous, and to want our lives to feel complete and whole. Too often we allow the “what if’s” to direct our focus, and paralyze us. Over time we forget what it is we truly desired because it is so buried with the fears and the safety devices, we no longer see our goals or desires without the filters we surround ourselves with.

We all long to be alive, to feel life at its deepest and most satisfying levels. We yearn to love, and be loved, deeply and completely. We search for meaning that fulfills our spirit and moves us beyond the chaos of our life. If we are sincere and fearless in our efforts we will be rewarded richly. If we trust that we can before we know it’s possible, nothing will be unreachable. If we leap even without a vision of a net, we will learn how to fly. If we trust the yes of the universe, we do not need to know how it will happen. If we do nothing, we will have nothing.

I know Jo had regrets before she died, how could she not? She regretted that she waited to travel the world. I felt sad for her mostly because she had realized her dream and lived with it for so many years before she was ready to pursue it. So many times people never get as far as realizing their dreams, not alone living them. Grandma always told me life was short, she is right. Use your time on this earth wisely. We have but one shot, and for most of us we have already lost much of the time we had been given. Turn the lights off around you, sit in the silence and let the light be revealed to you. Your path will only be illuminated as brightly as you allow yourself to see.

Reflections

Spend some time answering these questions. Use your answers as a compass to guide you to living a more lively life full of passion and happiness. Remember, take yourself out of the boxes before you answer, you will find a much more honest and real response that might even surprise you.

In your life, when have you felt the most alive?

If you could do anything, what would you do?

What stops you from doing what you love?

How are you spontaneous in your life?
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The Place of Fear

By Dakota Walker

From "The Path of Self"

Fear. It is such a four letter word isn’t it? Fear, whether our own or someone else’s, can paralyze us. Facing our fears can be like facing our biggest and ugliest demons. It forces us to admit things we would rather hide from. It makes us look at some of the dysfunctional attributes about ourselves and our situations. There are only two true emotions, fear and love. All other emotions are a by-product of those two foundations. When you are angry, it is an emotion based on some fear. When you are depressed, it is also an emotion based on fear. When you are elated, it is based on the emotion of love. Same with joy, compassion, jealousy, and denial, each are rooted from one or the other. If you look at a situation in your life and are able to break it down to what the fear is, you might better understand the mechanics of it. That understanding will help you navigate around it and respond to the situation differently, and in a healthier more stable way.

I am a very giving person. I give my time and energy to others easily. The nature of my job as a Massage Therapist is to touch people, and as a teacher, to talk and respond to students so I am consistently spending my energy. At the end of a day I can be exhausted from all the energy I extended in that time. I used to frequently hit a breaking point and find myself getting angry at my clients or students for “taking so much”. But they can not take what I don’t give. Through much introspection I discovered my anger was rooted from a fear of not having enough left over to give back to myself. When I came to understand the basis for that anger, I was able to make changes in my life so I didn’t put myself into a situation to become angry again. That doesn’t mean it no longer happens, it does, but when it does, I know immediately that I need “me time”, and I take it. I found that the anger I was feeling towards others was a disguise for the fear I didn’t want to face because it meant having to make changes in my life.

Fear is an important emotion in our life. It can lead us to a deeper understanding within ourselves, give us a compass point to indicate where we need to be or should be. We learn more from fear than anything else. Thus it becomes a great motivator in growth, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. It also is the biggest stumbling block to realizing our potential, or fulfilling our dreams. We allow others to pull us into their web of fears as well. How many times have you heard someone tell you to “be careful” – whether you were going on a hike, driving to work, ending a relationship, entering a relationship, and many other things we do that people feel the need to tell us to “be careful” before we embark. Be careful of what? Be careful you might discover a new trail that leads you to the most gorgeous scene. Be careful you might fall in love and live happily ever after? Unfortunately many people have an eeyore view of life. People are so frightened by change, and failing, and succeeding, and the unknown that they create all the “what if” scenarios and play them out one by one. What if you are hiking and you get lost? What if you run out of water? What if you encounter a rattlesnake? What if you are hiking alone and there is a strange man on the trail?

I have hiked many trails while living in Arizona, often I hiked alone. So it was not uncommon for me to hear these scenarios from my friends and clients. I know they were attempting to enlighten me to the possibilities of what could happen so that I would either reconsider my choice to hike alone, or be more careful. Their assumption was that I was oblivious to these “what if’s”. The truth is, I have been lost on a hike and at first I did feel fearful until I began seeing some of the most incredible rock caverns and in my exploration of the new beauty, I found a different trail that eventually led me to my truck. I have encountered a rattlesnake on the trail, many times, and I had the greatest moments in observing their movements and feeling lucky to have had the chance to see them. And yes, I have met strange men on the trail and I ended up doing my first rock climb with some of those “strange men”. Water … well, that is one fear I never allowed myself to face, I have always packed enough water because there is nothing good about running out of water when hiking in Arizona. My point is fear, and the “what if’s” don’t have to dictate what we do or don’t do. They can be guides to making better choices, or to heighten our awareness but if we allow them to have power over us, we will never discover new territory. We will always be enslaved to the grips of a pessimistic ideology.

A few years ago I was “stuck” in a corporate job, managing a group of massage therapists for a sports club. There were certain things I loved about the job, which gave me excuses to stay. But fundamentally I didn’t agree with the philosophy of the company. I was working long hours, giving it my all with very little reward. I knew I wanted to leave, but fear kept me there. Fears like, what if I can’t find another job? What if I can’t make enough money to pay rent? What if I quit and I am a complete failure? Those fears kept me there for two years. Then one day I decided to look at the possibilities for my life if I stayed in that job. I was sick more than I had ever been in my life. I had little time for anything or anyone else. I was on call whenever I wasn’t at the club. I was angry all the time, and the passion I had for massage was gone. All those fears I had about leaving I had to face. I came up with a game plan, and one by one tackled those fears with a reality. I calculated how many hours I would have to work on my own to make what I was currently making—it came out to 20 hours a week. I knew I had to take with me at least 50% of my clientele. And I knew if I could pull this off, I would not be a failure. The day I gave my resignation I had 3 weeks with 75 hours worth of appointments already set up with 85% of my clients following me. The biggest hurdle in all that? Facing the fears.

As creative and spiritual people, we become more sensitive to fear. We hear the censors echoing in our head “You aren’t really an artist!” “No one will like that!” “You can never make enough money doing art!” “People will immediately see the flaws and mistakes.” “If I become an artist, I will have to change my life.” The fear will paralyze our creative works keeping us in

what appears to be a “safe space”. If we don’t acknowledge the fear, then we don’t have to change. If we don’t have to change then we don’t have to face the fear of being rejected or for some the fear of being successful. It’s a loop that keeps us stuck. Many stay stuck all their life. My brother is an incredibly gifted, talented creator. He can create anything from nothing. He has had some of the most ingenious inventions that could have catapulted him into a success unimaginable both financially and spiritually and within all fabrics of his being. But he has allowed his procrastination and what I believe to be his fear of success to keep him from following through with his ideas and creative genius moments as I call them. His talents go untapped as he allows them to carry him just so far, but always falls short of the finish line where he’d blow the top off the circus tent if he crossed over. As an observer it is difficult to watch such talent lie dormant with just moments of flaring as he embarks on something only to leave it in the dust with the excuse of “I don’t have the money to buy a patent” or “I don’t have time”. Moments marked by genius but also marked by fears which only lead to shriveled up, discarded dreams. Many of his genius moments went on to be “invented” by others who did follow through, and did become financially wealthy.

One of my favorite quotes is “What would you do if you knew you would not fail.” It amazes me how many people answer that question with “I don’t know.” As if it were some mystery they have never allowed themselves to ponder upon. How many of us have said “I don’t know?” Is it because we were never taught how to live without fear? Do we think that is a silly question? Is it because we were shunted in our dreams as children? Is it because we grow into adults with adult responsibilities and believe that our “dreams” are childish and lack responsibility? Why don’t we know what we would do if we were granted non-failure? Why can’t we blunder off a million things we’d do if we knew we would not fail? We should have a list so long we can’t even memorize it. We should know what aches at the bottom of our soul just longing to be born in a moment of non-failure and with complete bliss and wild, succulent success! We should be able to close our eyes and have our pick of day dreams of things we yearn to do. But we don’t, a few do – some live with their dreams every day and perhaps they are more in touch with the reality of their fear because they remind themselves of the what if’s and the fears each time they envision their “make believe” dream. Perhaps that is why some of us answer “ I don’t know “ because we have given our power to fear and the best way to handle the fear is to pretend we don’t have ideas, impulses, dreams, goals, wishes, desires.

I have worked hard on fear most of my life. When I was a child I had a fear of the dark so I slept with a nightlight. I feared our house would catch fire so I slept on the hall floor so I could be sure to awaken everyone and get my family to safety. I feared people wouldn’t like me, so I didn’t talk to anyone. I feared being made fun of by the other kids, so at recess I played by myself in the corner of the playground. There were moments of fearlessness as well. I had no fear of riding my bicycle as fast as I could down gravely hills, I had many bicycle accidents – some were serious but I never stayed off my bike. I had no fear of uncharted paths so at the age of 8 until I was in my teens I would wade through chest deep water through creeks just to see where they would lead, often I would end up in someone’s back yard or in town and would have to call my mom to come get me, sopping wet and dirty with pockets full of rocks I collected along the way. As I have gotten older the fears change and old fears are abandoned. I confront fears now, head on like a bull facing the big red cape of the unknown. When I was 28 I decided to confront my irrational fear of heights by learning how to rock climb. My very first climb was in a rock gym on the beginner’s wall. Going up was easy, easier than I had thought. When it was time to come down and they said “let go and lean back” fear gripped every fiber of my being and as white knuckled as I could be I clung to that fake rock for 10 minutes before I decided to let go. Now, 10 years later there is not a rock or a mountain I would not face, in fact I would relish in the challenge of the smallest finger holds. What I have learned is most fears are irrational and unfounded. We give them so much more power than they deserve. Fear will either motivate us or kill us; the choice is ours and ours alone.

Step into your fear. Face those demons head on and find ways to transform them into working emotions that will get you “un-stuck”. Being honest about what you are fearful may be the hardest part of this journey. It is important to remember that the safety we feel in staying in our fear, is an illusion. Choose to live in love and with every emotion that is born out of love – joy, gratitude, bliss, deepness, connection, contentment. In every moment of every day we have the power to choose which emotion to respond with, what will your choice be?

Eight Minutes to Insight

Today I stood in the shade of a mountain that overlooked the expanse Verde Valley. To my north was Bartlett Lake and just east of that the Verde river winded through the desert. On the edges of the valley stood some of my favorite mountain ranges - Four Peaks, Superstitions and McDowells. The sky was deep cobalt blue, the air crisp and clean, it was a day that reflected the reasons why most of us live here.

As it came closer to my turn to climb, I geared myself up. Double check the harness, pray I remembered the correct knot to tie myself into, clean off the soles of my shoes, and chalk up my fingers. To climb a vertical 100 feet takes me about eight minutes. I learn more about myself in those eight minutes than I do in the 2 hours I stand at the base waiting. I can tell you I had a great day, the climbing was good, the friends were awesome, the views fantastic. But do you want to really know what goes on during those eight minutes?

I edge myself along a crack in the wall, at one point I lose my vision of my feet and have to rely on instinct and the feeling I have as I cup the edge with my toes. I learn that it is not wise to rush in this spot, and patience is my best friend. I can not see the person who is belaying me at the top - I only know it is either Sue or Amanda. They can't see me. We are both going on blind faith that someone is on the other end of the rope - for me I am putting my faith that my life will be safe. One wrong move, one carbiner not locked, one slip of the brake hand, and I could go sailing off that wall. I learn that trust - not only in the unknown but trust in my own efforts is essential. I work hard to not have to rely on the belayer, the ascent is my own effort, my own strength. My hands are taped up to avoid tearing tendons, chalk is caked under my nails. I go to reach for a hand hold and find that I have about 1/4 of an inch of granite to grip onto with 2 fingers that will have to bear the weight of my entire being until I can launch my foot onto another hold which is also a 1/4 inch. But I do it, and I learn that there is power in even the smallest parts of me, that I can be successful even when I don't have much to go on. I make the mistake of looking down and see that the wall I am climbing is a straight plunge, and it is very high up, from up here the valley I saw before just became miniscule. My fear of height kicks in, it was the whole reason I began climbing to begin with. A moment of terror and panic hit me and I stop to catch my breath. Closing my eyes, I take a second to remember that this is fun and I have chosen to be here. I am more than halfway up the wall now when I come to a place that I have been before on this same wall. There are no close moves, the foot and hand hold have to be made at the same time and are about a foot and half up, it's a calculated move that must be made with precision or, in rock climbing lingo, you toast it. With a deep, steady breath I do it, grunting as I pull myself up with one finger on a jagged piece of granite. I do it and I learn once again that I am capable, that I am able to do what many cannot and what I couldn't do just months prior to this moment. A feeling of sheer exhilaration and pride come over me, I feel like a kid who just won her game and everyone is cheering. The rest of the wall seems like a stepladder after that move. My fear subsides as I reach the top and I finally see that it is Sue who had been belaying me, who I was trusting with my life. I thank her, and realize also the power of friendship and the ironic correlation between rock climbing and building a relationship - both take trust, work, faith. Sometimes you go blindly and other times you conquer fears along the way. But in the end, when you make it, you know you are a better and stronger person for the journey.

I clip into the line next to Sue and lean back against the wall; I know why I am here. I knew within the first 10 seconds of my first climb back in July that this was what I wanted to do, that I would have a passion for this. In that feeling I learned about my own drive, my ambition to succeed, my passion in life is to feel alive, not just be alive to live. What I take from those moments on the wall is priceless. Today I gained focus; I reached a new level of understanding of my own self and my abilities. I learn that whenever I take a piece of my life, examine it from a deeper place I can't help but to learn more about life, people, myself, God, all of it. Those are the moments, I find, magic occurs.

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